Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
