Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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