at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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