he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
