are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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