oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
