I will die if light touches me.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
