i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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