Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I need to calm my uterus...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
