Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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