I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
