I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
