i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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