so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
