she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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