So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
