My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
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She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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