I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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