Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
