God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
