I'm eating all of the evidence.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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