It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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