I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
