dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
