If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
