turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
