I'd wear matching sweaters with you
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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