I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you didnt know i had herpes?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
