I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
