He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
