Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
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the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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