That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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