Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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