I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
