just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
