glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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