i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
