why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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