Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
