Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
