please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
