Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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