Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
