tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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