I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
