I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
