My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
