I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
are you so shy because you have an std?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
