You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
