someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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