I'm jealous of your bromance
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
