you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
