He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
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We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
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Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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