she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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